Even for those who have never stepped a foot in the Land of Noodle Soup & Nose Jobs, chances are they’ve heard some classic Thailand myth worthy of an editorial column in the most sensational European tabloid. So worthy actually, that some of these urban legends have surfaced in such papers. But if you don’t read one in The Sun (UK), you’ll soon find a couple in some redundant second-hand guidebook, on trashy Internet forums, blogs written by 16 year-old school kids or daft videos on YouTube. However, the place best of all for enjoying Thailand legends are in the company of some know-it-all-farang at an expat pub or a hippy hangout who has consumed just that one too many Singha Beer. Yes, told by one those experts who after staying in Thailand for an incredible 6 months, believes he deserves an honorary doctorate in everything Thai.

1. Go to Prison for Stepping on a Twenty Baht Note

This certainly has to go down as one the longest-standing, most circulated and absurdist urban myth east of Europe. And what is peculiar is that when it is told or written is always a twenty baht note, as if you couldn’t find a pic of the King on any other banknote. The fact of the matter is the lese-majeste law in Thailand states that the act committed has to be done with ‘malicious intent’ ie… you would have to stamp on it and shout insanities before someone would pay any attention and call in the Boys in Brown. It does not refer to any foreigner fresh off the plane who on dropping a bank note, quickly steps on it before it flies off in the breeze.

2. You Can Hire a Professional Gunman for the Likes of 5,000 Baht

What a load of nonsense! One of those totally daft rumours told by expat wanna-be gangster farangs while sat on a barstool. And like ’20 baht note’ ‘5,000’ is the commonest fee you hear and read crop up. The only ‘gunman’ you are gonna find at a stupid price like that is some drug-crazed motorbike-taxi driver or any other complete low-life amateur whose only previous experience of shooting a gun was of a water type during the Songkran Festival. Then, ‘get what you pay for’, as soon as he gets caught by the cops, he confesses immediately to having been hired by you. According to Thai language sources which include plenty of interviews with former convicted professional gunmen, the real cost goes from 200,000 to 10,000,000 baht depending of course on the potential victim, ie… from your average conservationist to a wealthy and powerful politician. That price includes: the agent fee, an accomplice, investigation into routines/itineraries, total confidentiality if all goes wrong and a few months for the gunman and accomplice to stay in the jungles of Thailand or Cambodia etc… until the case dies down.

3. Thai Women Have to ‘Sell Their Body’ to Escape Poverty

Over my dead body. Any lady-of--the-night desperate to earn money can get a job in a factory and work her bum off for 6 days a week, 9 hours a day. With paid overtime at an average factory in the Central Region an employee, with no education at all, can rake in around 10,000 month. Many such damsels instead prefer to make a much easier living in the hope that they’ll go on to meet some rich sugar-daddy, regardless to whether they are married or not, who is going to transfer a big wad of money into their bank account every month. As for that sob-story of “I need money send home to take care family” academic Thai language studies have already proven that ladies-of-the-night save and send less money back home than other migrant workers of proper professions.

4. Civil Servants like Police, Soldiers & Teachers Get Really Low Salaries

Working permanently for the state is a dream job for many Thais. Salaries are low but only at the bottom of the ladder. Work as a civil servant for ten, twenty, thirty years and your salary will be very respectable by Thai standards. On top of that you can get interest-free loans, a nice pension, free accommodation, best social healthcare, retire at 55 and get plenty of other benefits. Salaries for civil servants have rocketed over the past decade or so. 10-15 years back the basic salary for a school director was around 30,000 baht, it is now in the region of 55,000. You’re average civil servant in her fifties rakes in about 30,000 a month. For a policeman with the rank of Sargaent-Major with 10 years experience, with a little danger money payment he will pull in around 20,000 plus – compared to 10-15 years ago, no more than 10 grand – same applies to soldiers. None of these salaries include possible ‘commission’ money. Compared to the West, such salaries are pittance, but for here in Thailand they are very decent indeed.

5. Getting Caught with Some Ganja is a Very Serious Crime

Getting caught smoking a reefer is about as equivalent to getting caught stealing a packet of crisps from a mini-mart. And I’m not joking! Being caught however with a kilo of it stuffed inside your rucksack at Suvarnphumi Airport is another matter of course. This myth has got around the backpacker scene so much that once a backpacker gets arrested on an island with a big Bob Marley on him, he falls into the hands of corrupt cops who wanna sucker as much money as possible out of him ‘in lieu of not serving the next few years banged up’. And such cops are renowned for their lying negotiation jargon. Even though it is possible the judge could give a first offender a very short stint behind bars, most instead get let off with a suspended sentence and a small fine (same as very petty theft). However, judges ain’t too chuffed with those who get caught again.

On Sunday, we went for an enjoyable bicycle ride in Bangkok. At first glance, this would sound like a crazy idea. But, it is amazing that after only a short boat ride across the Chao Phraya River, we were surrounded by lush green vegetation and almost complete silence. In fact, for most of the 25 kilometre route we cycled through jungle, along canals and down some side roads. There were only a few stretches that ran along major roads. The area that we visited has the nickname of "the lungs of Bangkok". Due to a giant loop in the river this area is virtually cut off from the mainland and access is limited. The only way to go there by car is over the bridge at the southern end. This crosses a short-cut canal which is centuries old. From Bangkok you can cross the river by boat from the Klong Toey Port.

There are many companies in Bangkok that can arrange cycle trips for you. You can easily find most of them by doing a quick google search for "Bangkok bicycle tours". We decided to go for Recreational Bangkok Biking. They are a very professionally run organization with quality bikes and talented guides. I was impressed with the information on the website and also the managing director, Andre Breuer, who quickly answered all of our inquiries. We decided to go for their "Colours of Bangkok" tour which runs twice a day at 8 a.m. and at 1 p.m. Unlike some of the other tour groups, Recreational Bangkok Biking limit tour groups to only eight. It is advisable to book in advance so that you are not disappointed. In theory, it does sound that the morning session would be cooler, but really, in Thailand, it is already maximum temperature by 8 a.m. So, just go at a time convenient to you. In fact, if you go in the afternoon you might find yourself with a smaller group.

The tour guide we had was called Mon and her English was excellent. In our group we had the full number of eight people. Andre gave us the briefing first telling us that we were about to see a side of Bangkok that not many tourists have ever seen before. He wasn't really exaggerating. The tour would take us to Bangkrachao in Phra Pradaeng District of Samut Prakan. I have explored this area half a dozen times already. But it was like I was seeing it for the first time. Going by bicycle not only lets you see things from a different viewpoint, but it allows you to go down narrow lanes and canal paths that aren't possible for cars. After the briefing, Mon helped us choose a bike and gave us some instruction on how to use them. It should be noted that these are not cheap bikes bought from Tesco Lotus. They are heavy duty bikes which are both comfortable and easy to ride. Before you set off on the tour you should take the time to familiarize yourself with the bike and gears and to make sure everything is in good working order.

Once were all ready, Mon led us off for our tour which would last about 4-5 hours. It may sound daunting to cycle for so long, but really, it is all flat in Bangkok and so you don't have to be a sportsman to join this tour. It was really easy going. We had regular breaks where Mon would buy us some drinks. I couldn't believe that after we got back she told us that we had cycled 25 kilometres! That just shows you how comfortable the bikes were. The office for the bicycle company is down a small lane off Rama III Road. Fortunately for us, Mon knew some back lanes so we were able to avoid the busy main roads for most of the time. We did have to cross the busy Rama III Road at one point in order to get to the boat, but luckily there was a subway under the road. At one point, Mon took us through some slums. Here, like in other places in Thailand, it is always amazing how people in mansions can live right next to slums. There is no segregation here and everyone lives in harmony. In the slums everyone was very friendly as we passed by down the narrow lanes. The kids shouted out "hello" or wanted to give us a high five.

One of the things that I was impressed about this company is their sterling efforts in giving back to the communities that they visit. In the case of the slums, they help sponsor one of the schools there. Over the years, they have helped to raise millions of baht in donations. They also use the services of people along the route, whether it is buying drinks or snacks or hiring a boat. This is responsible tourism at its best with a very low carbon footprint. After the slums, we ended up at the river where our bikes were loaded onto a boat for the crossing to the jungle on the other side. I always enjoy boat roads as it provides natural air-conditioning and grand views. Once on the other side we were back on the bikes and heading down narrow lanes and along raised concrete pathways that passed through banana trees and nipa palms. Our first stop was the hidden oasis of Sri Nakhon Khuankun Park. This is a lovely park tucked away in the middle of no-where. There is a lake here where we fed the fish. If we had time, we could have also rented a boat on the lake. From here we continued our journey around the artificial island. Our pace wasn't very fast and Mon allowed us to stop to take as many pictures as we liked. She even took us to an old temple and explained about the different buildings and Buddha images.

Lunch was pad thai (stir-fried noodles) at a river-front restaurant. This meal and all the drinks were included in our package price of 1,000 baht which I think was really worth it. Although you could come to this area with your own bikes, it would be advisable to join a tour for the first time to see what the place has to offer. It has certainly opened my own eyes to this region and inspired me to think about buying my own bicycle. There are definitely more areas to explore which you would need to do with a sense of adventure. This is because there are no maps and few signs. It would be easy to get lost without a guide. Obviously if you are in Thailand for a short time or even an expat, it is not always practical to have your own bike. You might want to consider taking one of their other tours. After all, a quality bike like the one I used on this tour would set me back nearly 25,000 baht. It would be cheaper to pay 1,000 baht for a tour or maybe rent a bike from them which costs from as little as 250 baht per day. I really enjoyed my morning on this tour. I was a bit tired by the end of the trip but I had already decided that I would love to join them for another tour in order re-discover another area of Bangkok. Bicycles certainly allow you to see familiar streets in a different light.

More information can be found at their website www.bangkokbiking.com. I have also posted more pictures in our Samut Prakan Photo Album over at www.paknamphotos.com.

When we talk about horse polo, we usually think of the colonials in places like India. I watched my first polo match in Gilgit in Pakistan about 15 years ago. It was a thrilling game played out on a dusty pitch surrounded on all four sides by enthusiastic locals. For me growing up, I saw it as mainly the chosen game of the British royal family and the elite. It is not the kind of sport that the average person could try due to the high costs of keeping the horses. That is why I was surprised that they not only play horse polo in Thailand but they also have dedicated grounds for this. At the weekend I went to watch a polo match at the VR Sports Club in Samut Prakan.

Polo was first introduced into Thailand during the reign of King Rama VII. He had organized a demonstration game played by English people from Penang. A polo club was later formed but it was mainly for the expat communities and the social elite in Thailand. However, the public started to show some interest when the Thailand team won a gold at the Asian Games in 1998. The Polo Association was founded in the same year and then went national in 2004 as the Thailand Polo Association. The major tournament held in Thailand is the Thailand Polo King's Cup which has teams attending from Singapore, Brunei, Malaysia and the Philippines.

The game is played on a field which is 300 yards long by 200 yards wide. At each end there are two posts that act as the goal. In some ways it is like football but there are no goalkeepers. There are also frequent breaks. We were only three minutes into the the first half when the time was halted so that two players could leave the field to change their horses. In football, of course, it would be the players who would be changed. The match is also split up into 7 minute long units called a "chukka". The match that I watched had a total of 6 chukkas. Three in each half with a three minute break in-between each chukka. One final rule that I found confusing at first was that every time a goal was scored they would switch directions. So, you really need to pay attention!

It was a fast moving game despite all the breaks. I think for most of the spectators the day was more of a social event than a chance to watch the game. There were many hi-so ladies all dressed up with colourful dresses and outlandish hats. Many of the photographers there took more photos of the crowd than the horses in the match. After all, there were many top actresses as well as Miss Thailand contestants. Everyone who was anyone was there. For myself, I preferred watching the game from behind one of the goal posts. Though, as you can see from this photo you have to be quick on your feet as these horses don't exactly have brakes! I had to quickly jump to one side after this goal was scored.

I have posted some more pictures in our Samut Prakan Photo Album over at www.paknamphotos.com.

The Chinese people of Samrong in Samut Prakan Province believe that their God Jao Por Tap will help them get rich. Behind Imperial World, on the old Paknam Railway Road, they have built a large Chinese shrine dedicated to this God. Every year, on the last Sunday of January, they hold a parade through town which is attended by literally thousands of local people.

It was still dark when people started turning up at the Jao Por Tap Shrine. We arrived there shortly after 7 a.m. and both the road outside and the grounds of the shrine were crowded to capacity. This was the first time I had attended this parade and so didn't really know what to expect. There was so much going on in different directions that I didn't know where to focus my attention. The Governor of Samut Prakan was there as well as local politicians. In fact, anyone who was anybody had turned up for this event.

The opening ceremony involved the usual speeches and these came to an end with firecrackers and crashes of cymbals and banging of drums. This signalled the start of the parade. I think it would be fair to say that this was the largest Chinese parade that I have ever seen. As well as marching bands there were also the dancing dragons and acrobats. There was even this guy that had skewers through his cheeks.

The parade left the shrine shortly after 8 a.m. and made its way up the Old Railway Road and then turned right next to Samrong Hospital and headed towards Imperial World and then out onto Sukhumwit Road. Along the way, shopkeepers had set up small shrines on tables. The dancing dragons and acrobats did a small performance in front of these shrines and they were then given some money.

There must have been over 1,000 people in the parade but there were also thousands of people lining the parade route through town. It was a big event on the calendar for Samrong. From where I stood taking pictures and shooting video, it took them about 45 minutes to pass by me. Then as quickly as it started it was all over. Though, of course not for them. They still had a long way to go.

You can see many more of our pictures and also a video over at www.paknam.com and www.paknamphotos.com.

TOUR2 : Bang Nampheung Floating Market, The Erawan Museum, Reclining Buddha at Bang Phli and finishing with a meal at sunset at the Bang Pu Seaside Resort.

Samut Prakan Province is sandwiched between Bangkok and the Gulf of Thailand. As it is so close to the capital of Thailand it doesn't receive many independent travellers. Most people see it as just the suburbs. Even the mighty Lonely Planet Guidebook for Thailand has now dropped the chapter on Samut Prakan. However, despite this, the province has a lot to offer for people who want something different. In Samut Prakan Tour 01 I told you about a day trip to see all the highlights such as The Erawan Museum, Ancient Siam and the Crocodile Farm. What I am going to do today is take you to a floating market, the largest three headed elephant in the world, the largest reclining Buddha in Thailand and the most expensive toilets in Thailand.

The first stop on this tour is the Bang Nampheung Floating Market. Probably the easiest way to get there from Bangkok is to go by Sky Train to Krung Thonburi BTS Station and from there take a taxi which will take about 20 minutes to reach the market. Don't go there expecting a picture postcard Damnoen Saduak kind of floating market. This was mainly set up for local Thai tourists. So, plenty of shade and stalls selling food and local handicraft and OTOP products. However, you can rent a boat if you are crazy enough to go out in the blazing sun. It is best to go here early as it can get crowded. I usually aim for 8.30 a.m. at the latest and spend at least two hours here. A great place to have breakfast. Don't forget, it is only a weekend market and usually wraps up by about 2 p.m. With luck you should be able to find a taxi that has just dropped someone off. If not, take a motorcycle taxi to the river ferry at a local temple to catch a boat to the other side. Here you will find a taxi for your next destination.

Your next stop is the giant three-headed elephant at The Erawan Museum. If you go there by taxi then make sure he takes the Kanchanapisek Outer Ring road as there is an exit right by the museum. If you had to cross the river by boat, a taxi from the other side would only take about 15 minutes or so. To join a tour costs 150 baht each for adults and 50 baht for children. There is a museum in the basement and then you are taken up into the belly of the elephant. You really need a wide angle lens to get some good pictures of this giant elephant. It really is massive and worth every penny. It is a unique tourist attraction in Thailand. You will be spending at least an hour here if not longer. To get to your next destination, you will need to go by taxi again. Don't worry, you won't have any trouble in finding one. The trip shouldn't take much longer than about 25 minutes.

From The Erawan Museum, you need to get back on the Kanchanapisek Outer Ring Road and head east to Bang Phli. It will be the third exit. Your first stop will be the Reclining Buddha at Wat Bang Phli Yai Klang. It is 53 meters long and much bigger than the famous one in Bangkok. In addition, you can go inside this one and see the Buddha's heart! After you finish here, take a motorcycle taxi to the nearby Wat Bang Phli Yai Nai. It shouldn't cost more than 20 baht. This temple is popular for Thai people because of the revered Luangpho To image. You might find the nearby 100 year market more of interest which runs alongside the canal. The temple also has a 5 million baht toilet. At the weekends, you can join boat tours in front of the temple. If you want to do this, then come straight to this temple as the Reclining Buddha is on the boat tour.

From Bang Phli, there is a road that heads straight south to the Gulf of Thailand at Tam Ru. You shouldn't find it difficult to take a taxi from Bang Phli to your next destination at Bang Pu Seaside Resort. I would think it would take no more than 30 minutes to get here. The best time to come is late afternoon. In addition, if you come between October and March then you should have the added attraction of being able to feed a handful of the thousands of migratory seagulls here. This is a very popular place for Thais to come at the weekend to enjoy the fresh sea breeze. You can also do bird watching here and eat at the restaurant at the end of the pier. If you are here at the end of the day then you might be lucky to enjoy a beautiful sunset over the gulf.

Click here for a map of this tour. Also visit the Samut Prakan Forums where I have posted some more details and where you can swap tips with other people.

(Would be extremely difficult to get these two mixed up - but Mrs Clampton did)

Due to the positive feedback from the last blog “The Legendary Edith Clampton (Mrs)”, I think it’s only fair to write up a part 2 and include some of the readers’ responses – some of which are in concern to Edith’s complaints in the first blog, so you may have to look back. I’m sure you’ll have to agree, this is the Bangkok Post at its editorial best.

Not Up to Scratch (reader’s response) from first blog

SIR: My company subscribes to the Bangkok Post which I read every morning. I look forward to reading Post Bag as it often provides insight into the thoughts of the expatriate community and certain sectors of Thai society. However, I have always felt annoyed by the frequent letters of some correspondents. Which brings me to the reason for my own outburst on these pages: Edith Clampton.
I have just read her latest adventures in Southeast Asia. Doesn’t Edith realise that the green buses are called “mini-buses”? The micro-buses are red. The drivers are relatively considerate. The conductors are young women. The fee is 15 baht. (Did Edith pay 15 baht for a green mini-bus ride?) Unfortunately there is no outlet for your electric toothbrush, and sometimes no Bangkok Post on a mini-bus and that is why the conductor looked at you that way. I would not have been sitting with Khun Parker, driving behind the bus. He would not have been driving very safely while rolling on the floor laughing.

John Knipfing

Who has the Right to Elephant Dung (reader’s response) from first blog

SIR: Thank you Mrs Clampton for bringing up the subject of elephant dung. I have discussed this with my legal advisors and they offer me the following: The drunken farang woman would be the legal owner only if she said, “Here elephant, I would like to loan you these bananas”. If she says “There elephant, these are for you”, then the bananas become the property of the elephant and subsequently the elephant can claim full ownership of the manure. Regarding the mahout – he would be the owner if the papers could be produced showing he was the legal owner of the elephant. Unfortunately, Khun Hazel is left behind on this one and has no claim to the dung.
Legal action could take a long time an collecting evidence would be a nightmare. I suggest dropping it.

Wilbur Featherly-Jones
Commander RN (Retd)

Pizza Men on Bikes Prove Too Elusive (reader’s response) from first blog

SIR: Mrs Edith Clampton recently brought to our attention the difficulty she had with stopping one of our Pizza Hut delivery drivers to buy a pizza.
Edith could make her life easier if she was to call and place an order for pizza. By so doing, she is going to make it safer for herself and our delivery drivers. If Edith lets us know where we can meet, we would then have our drivers deliver a pizza to her.

Choompot Tantisoonthorn
Manager-Call Service Centre
Minor Group Food Division

Teething Troubles (readers’ responses and Edith’s response to angry Filipinos) from first blog

SIR: Congratulations go out to Mrs. Edith (wealthy person) Clampton for the most pathetic letter I’ve read this year.

Non-electric toothbrush

SIR: I was utterly amazed about Mrs Clampton’s tale of woe. Only now in my lifetime have I read about someone with the guts and “grotty pearly greens” to gnash with, blame her oral problem on my country’s current power crises. What I perceive is a case of sheer laziness on Mrs Clampton’s part. To top it, her vivid description of her oral condition is really repulsive. I guess Mrs Clampton should switch to a nuke-powered toothbrush (if there’s anything like it, she’s in luck) to scrape off all those accumulated ‘sediment’ on her teeth.

Arlene Esperida

SIR: When Mrs Edith Clampton complained about power failures in the Philippines one would think her life was placed at a very grave danger because her dialysis machine couldn’t function. But no, it was only her status symbol electric toothbrush. How shallow, how self-centred and how silly of the Bangkok Post to provide space to this whinging airhead. Weren’t there enough letters that day worthy of attention?

Emmanoel T Francisco
Newport Beach, California

SIR: Why so many people are taking it upon themselves to condemn me, because of my misfortunes in the Philippines, is beyond me. Their replies in Post Bag make me look stupid and I feel the real reason of their attack is because of my wealth. I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me so I kept my original letter short. For their information, I also returned to Thailand with a terrible bout of the flu. No electricity also meant no electric hair dryer and as the Philippines has no fire-places, I was forced to spend many nights with soaking wet hair. Regardless of what people say I will never return to that rag-picked country again.

Edith Clampton (Mrs)

Keep First Class First (Edith)

SIR: On a recent overseas flight (steve notes: Thai Airways) I was appalled at the conduct of some passengers. I had just settled into my seat when a herd of interlopers were moved into the first class section. They were loud and smelt like they hadn’t bathed for weeks. I complained to the head waiter on the flight but he explained his hands were tied – they had been upgraded by a higher authority.
Higher authority or no higher authority first class passengers shouldn’t be expected to have to suffer a flight sandwiched between backpackers. What upset me further was that I arrived ay my destination looking like a basket case whilst my maid, Khun Hazel, who travelled in economy arrived as bright as a button. Airline officials in high authority will now need to review their policy on upgrading, or genuine passengers will be forced to seek alternative ways of travel.

Edith Clampton (Mrs)

Keep First Class First (reader’s response)

SIR: I fear that our dear friend Edith Clmpton (Mrs) has got in a muddle again! Regular readers of the Clampton saga will no doubt recall that not long ago she went on a green mini-bus, under the mistaken impression that it was a micro-bus. Now she had a mishap on her flight, apparently by getting her tickets mixed up. Her maid, Khun Hazel, who “arrived as bright as a button”, most likely travelled in the first class cabin while poor Edith roughed it in economy.
I believe the “alternative way of travel” Mrs Clampton is considering may well be the rail journey from Singapore to Bangkok on the Orient Express, and I look forward to reading her account of the journey in your columns.

Michael Marsh Edwards
Nonthaburi

Discomfort (Edith)

Notes: Comfort 100 is a portable urine bottle which can be used by motorists in heavy traffic.

SIR: Could someone please introduce a law that it makes it compulsory for Bangkok taxis to have curtains between the driver and the passenger. Several times now I have caught the driver’s beady eyes looking at me in the rear-view mirror when I have been desperately trying to use the Comfort 100.
The whole experience gave me anything but comfort.

Edith Clampton (Mrs)

Discomfort (reader’s response and Edith’s response)

I was utterly shocked and disgusted by one of your Post Bag letters headed “Discomfort” by Edith Clampton. I was totally embarrassed just reading such a shameless complaint.
I am from New York, USA, and I’m coming to the end of a wonderful two-week holiday in this beautiful country, and about to take back such blissful memories. WHAM! then I read this sort of putrid filth, this woman should be ashamed of herself. Yes, we have Comforts in the States and of all sizes, the 100 being the largest, and it’s an acceptable woman’s personal appliance, for private use, certainly not in the back of a taxi!
Thailand does not need this type of woman. She actually had the “Brass neck” to inform us that the taxi driver was “watching her”! and she was having a problem with that! I’m surprised he didn’t crash his taxi. Of course he was watching her, he was wondering what the “buzzing was” was!

Mrs Ruth Dempsey

SIR: We were absolutely dumbfounded to find the Australians have their very own version of the Comfort 100. But as I explained to my maid, Khun Hazel, you’d have to pretty desperate to want to use it.

Edith Clampton (Mrs)

(general reader’s response)

SIR: I have read a lot of letters written by this Edith Clampton, and sad to say most of them are just about her ridiculous and often pathetic “tragic misfortunes”. Judging from the way she writes letters, I can say that she is a sour person, has a very serious attitude problem, is very difficult to get along with and is someone whom I do not want to know.
I hope the Bangkok Post will not publish any more of her letters. As for me, the most I could wish for is to watch Edith Clampton (Mrs) being caned in Singapore. Just a thought…

Anti-Edith
Trang

Shoddy Footwear Maid Somewhere (Edith)

SIR: I fear I have to warn the general public about some shoddy workmanship that is being brought into Thailand from a third world country.
Last week I purchased a birthday present for my maid Khun Hazel. Her green thongs had seen their day and I bought some fashionable plastic ones with lovely pink roses on top. They lasted a week and the roses fell off. Hazel was devastated. The name on the side of the striped plastic strip was Femme Fatale but the country of origin was not clearly visible.
I held the questionable thongs to the light and read Maid in China but at another angle it looked like Maid in France. I think both countries need to investigate immediately and report back to the readers in Post Bag about this matter.
And who suffers? Not the manufacturer, not me, but dear Khun Hazel who has to wear old green thongs until next birthday – it just isn’t fair.

Edith Clampton (Mrs)

Shoddy Footwear Maid Somewhere (reader’s response)

SIR: I was appalled to read the latter from Mrs Clampton in which she complained that a pair of rather dubious flower-bedecked plastic thongs she had purchased for her maid as a birthday gift fell apart within a week.
I wasn’t appalled by the faulty merchandise as you get what you pay. I was appalled by Mrs Clampton’s meanness. She states that the sufferer of the shoddy merchandise will be the maid, “who has to wear her old green thongs until next birthday – it just isn’t fair”.
Surely if Mrs Clampton can afford to have a maid, she can afford to replace a pair of green thongs. If she had purchased more durable footwear in the first place, the maid wouldn’t be forced to wear the deteriorating green thongs.
I think Mrs Clampton should release the tight grasp she has on her pursestrings and purchase durable footwear for her maid. If Mrs Clampton cannot afford to purchase such footwear, perhaps she should do her own housework.

Alan Breten
(A Shocked Tourist)

It was a year ago now that I first visited the tranquil little village of Baan Nam Khong and enjoyed gliding from tree to tree with the amazing Jungle Flight adventure. I got a chance to fly again last weekend and try out the longest, fastest and highest cables around Chiang Mai, a new adventure package amongst serene giant trees and bright green jungle.

The new section of Jungle Flight has northern Thailand's longest zipline (at 300 metres), three more lines measuring 130 to 180 metres, one of them over 40 metres high, with a stunning view of the mountains. You can take it all in if you choose Package B. The weather was just right, sunny and clear, but not too hot, with brilliant lights for taking photos in the trees. Our group spent almost 4 hours on the platforms and ropes. Absolutely mindblowing and thrilling and .... I will need to get a dictionary to find more adjectives. Last year, I was left desperately wanting more, for the second time now, it was complete and well wrapped up. Just my idea of the perfect day.

Jungle Flight has made some welcome improvements. There is now a new "headquarters" in the village, a traditional wooden house, with adequate facilities for getting changed and lockers for storing backpacks. Locally grown coffee is available in the small restaurant. Otherwise, Baan Nam Khong still a simple sleepy village from the olden days, not spoilt by all the people coming and going.

We had four guides with us to take care of all the ropes, pulleys and carabiners, secure our take-offs and landings, point out interesting trees and wildlife, and tease us endlessly. It also meant that we all had plenty of opportunities for tandem flights with a guide, being able to assume some interesting acrobatic positions like the "superman".

They are great at reading how scared or thrilled people are, engage in small talk to make guests more comfortable, and keep a careful eye on every little detail. They are also super crazy and love to glide around upside down, enjoying another day at work.

All the equipment used for the flights is imported and top grade. However, passengers rely on simple wooden twigs as brakes. I enjoyed watching the newbies' faces when they learn about the technique for slowing down: listen to the guide yell BRAKE and pull down hard with the twig behind the pulley. If unsuccessful.... get ready to hit the treeee! On the longest zipline, I managed to accelerate to such blinding speed that no braking was strong enough and I smashed into the tree.... crushing the helpless guide (half my size) who was trying to slow me down. But experience helps, hardly any bruises this time.

Just joking. The trees where you are likely to have problems are padded.

Here are some of the highlights. A picture says a thousand words - sorry if it is sensory or technical overload for some of you.

The platforms and many of the ziplines offer a unique bird's eye view perspective of the jungle. Sign up for Package B to get the most amazing vistas. Good news: you do NOT have to approach the first platform on one of these ladders you see! The villagers climb these to collect honey from the treetops.

The guides think it is hilarious to bounce up and down the skybridges while people are trying to cross from one tree to another.

This is a photo of the bridge taken from the treetop staircase.

Ancient trees - just the way they are. Don't forget to look up and take in as much as you can absorb, with all your senses.

The abseils.... there are now 4 if you go for Package B. Luckily, you don't absolutely need to go upside down.... but you can have the rope attached to your back and then ask for a fast descent. Get your vocal chords ready if you pick this option. As close as you will get to bungee jumping without actually doing it.

A couple is getting ready to fly the 130-metre cable, the longest if you pick Package A.

This one was my absolute favourite! Note the abseil down to the lower platform.... that's the second highest abseil. Sigh.

The longest cable at the moment is 300 metres long, and it takes almost 25 seconds to glide it. Calculate the average speed for maximum jawdrop effect. There are some very nice views to the right, but you also get a different experience in the dense canopy.

This is the highest cable of all (also in package B). This one has the best views of half the province, probably. I took a video here, as a guide was alongside me and taking care of my flight and my landing so I could enjoy the view. I almost got a heart attack when I saw the movie for the first time. Check it out at the forum. The real thing was nowhere near that scary in that moment, your senses work differently, they don't take all that space and depth in.

On a few lines, you are offered the option to be attached to the cable using the carabiner on your back. Being Superman is actually not totally straight-forward, as you may start spinning around. Approaching a platform head first is also quite scary but of course
the guides help you and the rope rises sharply in the very last moment. Don't miss it.

There is a 580-metre stretch of suspended walkway. It is steep uphill, and gives you yet another nice perspective of the forest without having to cut through dense foliage at ground level. It is manageable for reasonably fit people, and you don't need climbing shoes.

Can you spot the crazy guide in this picture? This is the last platform - "happy ending". I was one of the first to descend, and I loved collecting the soundbites from people once they had solid ground under their feet. "I will never do this again!" topped the list. That was when I remembered that this is exactly what I said the last time.... but my memory had deleted it, fortunately. You could try asking for a parachute, they didn't give me one, so I guess this is the way down!

"I am scared of heights - should I go for it?"

I am definitely more of an armchair adventurer myself. You should have seen me the first time I was hanging on a rope. Even though I had been dreaming vividly about flying for decades, I thought cranes and heavy equipment will be needed to get me down the second tree. Then it got better. It is definitely acquired taste. Just relax and let it happen, spread your arms and fly, holding on the rope makes it worse. Screaming definitely does help. If it is only a yelp initially, then set your mind to it and scream intentionally. And, most importantly, don't listen to the guides suggesting you need to look down to overcome the fear - that is a set-up :-) Look in the distance, admire the trees and the mountains and the amazing jungle.

Told you not to!!

Currently, Jungle Flight offers two flights:

Package A with 22 platforms, 14 flights, 3 abseils, 2 bridges, 1 staircase, longest line 130 metres. This is the original adventure as it was a year ago.

Package B with 33 platforms, 21 flights, 4 abseils, 3 bridges, 1 staircase, longest line 300 metres, suspended walkway, more views of the mountains, truly amazing.

There are promotional prices at the moment, which you can check out at the Jungle Flight website. Both packages include snack, drinking water, lunch, round-trip transport, a visit to the hot springs on the way back, and a visit to a small waterfall in the rainy season. It is possible to change your mind halfway through and switch to Package B - quite a few people do so.

Some practical advice:

You can take along your camera easily if you wear a small shoulder bag. Carrying it around in a hand or pocket is quite clumsy.

The adventure takes four hours or longer - especially if it is the rainy season and there is enough water in the waterfall to deserve a little side trip from the ziplines. A snack and plenty of drinking water is provided at rest stops, and guides take good care of anyone who needs help. However, make sure you eat and drink enough for breakfast because it is a long day before lunch, and it may not be a bad idea to carry a bar of chocolate or some glucose candies. I guess dehydration could be a real problem in the hot season if you don't take care of yourself, even though the altitude helps and it does not get as fiercely hot in the real jungle as down in the concrete jungle.

I would like to thank the owner of Jungle Flight Mr Songsai Mangklad for inviting me again, and our guides for taking care of me (and all of us!) so considerately.